Ending a Marriage Properly 

All of us enter into marriage intending to realize our greatest hopes and wishes. As we all know, for many of us, and for countless reasons, it often does not end up that way.

Many people stay together in unhappy marriages – and either remain miserable “for the sake of the kids” or compensate through work, other interests, substance abuse, etc. Where this is the case, I refer you to last month’s column (Considering Couple Therapy), because you and your kids deserve a serious effort to rehabilitate your marriage. And the truth is, most people separate or divorce without having truly understood or corrected the core issues, and often ‘surprisingly’ encounter the very same ones in successive relationships.

However, if you conclude that divorce is the best option, there are certainly smarter, less painful and less costly ways to do it.

Rule #1 is, running to a lawyer to open a “tik” is NOT the way to do it. If you go to a lawyer “just to consult”, their professional ethic will prompt them to “protect your interests”, which will generally amplify your fears and justify “defensively aggressive” action. When your spouse is served with your “suit for divorce”, they will logically seek to protect themselves the best way they know how. The downward spiral into mutual aggression and acrimony is rapid, and the emotional and financial costs to your family add up quickly.

The interests that a divorce lawyer will seek to protect are more often than not, NOT YOUR GENUINE, LONG-TERM INTERESTS. When we speak of nuclear families, it is not a zero-sum-game. If anyone loses, everyone loses. In fact, your family is not being dissolved, it is merely being reconfigured. You will continue to be co-parents and grandparents, and you both have a huge, ongoing interest in mutual respect and care.

While it may feel good to be angry and blame your partner for the failure of the marriage, it is generally a fallacy. Couple relationships are invariably intricate tangos, in which each partner is both the initiator of, and responder to, subtle communications and cues. When you’ve decided to end the marriage, it will prove extremely costly and damaging (especially to your kids) to seek to retribution, revenge or blame.

There are ways to handle your divorce that can keep conflict to a minimum, and keep the divorce transition constructive, private and respectful. Both Mediation and Collaborative Divorce are civilized and cost-effective alternatives to expensive legal battles, and leave control over the divorce process and outcomes to you and your spouse.

Divorce is an unavoidably painful experience for everyone concerned. However, a specially trained therapist can guide you toward solutions tailored specifically to your family's unique situation. Rather that further damaging yourself, your kids and your co-parent, it is possible to make the transition in a way that keep the needs of your children paramount and enhances the prospects for healthy outcomes for all members of the family.